Interlude: Buddi du Elf
or, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Somewhere Else
I’m about to drop some surprising facts for you. Let’s start with this. We don’t come from the Northern part of Sylvanara like Santa always claims. We come from a place called The North Pole, and it’s on a whole other planet, probably in a whole other universe. Like probably the USS Enterprise couldn’t get from here to there no matter how many rules Kirk broke.
None of that probably made any sense to you, Rudolph says. People think he can’t talk, but he can talk up a storm when he wants to. And opinions? He’s got ‘em. A lot of ‘em. OK, OK, he says to start my story again.
My name is Buddi du Elf. Before coming here, I lived at The North Pole on a planet called Earth. And the story of how we got here is, well, complicated.
Santa Claus is a sort of mythical creature on Earth. No adult believes in him, but little kids know the truth. He’s as real as it gets. The North Pole is far away from the rest of the world, so it’s easy to pretend he doesn’t exist and then to make up stories about him to try to get your kids to behave all year.
OK, OK, Rudolph says I’m still messing this up. Let me try again. Santa has a big workshop at the North Pole. All year long, he supervises elves in making toys for kids. (Now look, Rudy, I’ve got to do an aside here, so leave off.) See, these aren’t elves like Viceth. He would want me to tell you that. He hates that I call myself an elf. So, no we aren’t like Viceth. We’re like, well, we’re like me. Small people, specialized in making toys. It’s sort of like gnomes are here, but we don’t make things that explode.
When I was just a young elf, I wanted to be somebody important in the workshop. I worked extra hard and my goal was to have my own toy line. I had amazing ideas. We made a lot of wooden toys with wheels that you pull around on a string, ya know, and while some ages of kids like that kind of thing, they grow out of it pretty fast.
I never missed an opportunity to talk to Santa about the ideas I had, and it finally happened! He trusted me enough to make my own line of toys! He gave me my very own room in the workshop with 20 elves working under me. And we made the most incredible clockwork toys. You could wind them up and they’d walk on their own. Some could dance and even play a drum. You might have seen me using ‘em in the dungeon actually. I still have all of them, because, well, once Santa saw them, well, let’s just say he wasn’t happy. Not at all. Said they would give kids nightmares. Said parents would hate them, too, because of the noise. Yes, yes, Rudolph says to tell you that they give him the heebie jeebies, too.
Anyway, I was busted back to the elf assembly line, tying strings onto pull toys, which gave me the blues, let me tell you. I’d sit there all day long, tying string and imagining what it would be like to live, well, anywhere else actually. I’d never been outside the North Pole, but it wasn’t for me anymore. That was clear. Santa hated me now, and I knew that if I spent another year tying string onto pull toys, I’d be cockoo for Cocoa Puffs. I had decided that when Santa took off on Christmas Eve, I’d make a break for warmer climes.
Oh yeah. Rudy says you won’t know about Christmas Eve. So we make toys all year for a big holiday called Christmas. On the night before Christmas, Santa goes to every house in the whole world to deliver presents. Santa rides in a sleigh pulled by reindeer. Believe it or not, it flies through the air. People have dope decorated trees in their houses, and Santa puts all the presents under them. There are also stockings. Not real ones, understand? Real ones are too small, and people are greedy. They’re like giant stockings. Too big even for JeOc. Bigger is better to hold oranges, peppermint sticks, other candies, and small toys. People leave milk and cookies out for Santa. It’s a whole thing. He spends all night dropping off packages and eating cooks. What a life!
Anyway, I wasn’t thinking about any of that, but it explains why I thought I could get away then. It’s the only time of the year that Santa is gone from the North Pole, and he’s gone for an entire day! I thought I could get a good head start on my escape if I did it on Christmas Eve.
I think Kristina Kringle (remember her? Our alchemy lab ghost?) noticed that I was struggling because the next thing I knew, she was hauling me off to a game night at her squat. And there was Santa, not looking all that happy to see me. And Rudy, of course, was making him stay put. Kristina just acted like she didn’t notice how all of Santa’s jolly had flown out the window. She set out some hot cocoa, peppermint sticks, and cookies and started teaching us how to play some game where you go into dungeons and kill monsters? Sound familiar? See, in our world that’s just a game. Never thought I’d be somewhere that it was real. OK, OK, Rudy. OK.
So there we were at the table, rolling dice, killing imaginary monsters, and it seemed like for a second at least, everything was back to how it had been. Santa was treating me kindly, Rudy’s nose had melted marshmallow all over it, Kristina was grinning from ear to ear, and I was just happy again.
But I still planned to leave. A game night wasn’t going to change my plans.
I’m not sure how it happened. It was Santa’s roll, and it came up for a Special Event. He had to go to a different oracle and roll to see what kind of special event it would be. He rolled a d6 and somehow it came up as an 11, which was weird, right?
Kristina picked up that die and gave him a different d6. This time he rolled a 55, and before I could even say WTF, there was a loud sucking sound and a vortex opened up where the table had been. I grabbed my bag of clockwork toys and Santa grabbed a peppermint stick and his toy bag before we were pulled in. Then Kristina and Rudolph came through after us.
When we looked around, we were in a dungeon. Like, a real dungeon. Man! I was trippin’! I thought Kristina must have put something a little special in that cocoa. Santa’s peppermint stick was still a peppermint stick, but it was suddenly also a wicked sharp sword, and he was jabbing it into a troll! Rudolph’s antlers were shining silver, and he was jabbing another troll with them. Kristina and I were just staring. Santa grabbed a bag of marbles out of his sack and threw them under the trolls’ feet, shouted an order, and we all started running. I mean, there were TROLLS! WTF!
Eventually we got out of that dungeon, but I still don’t know how. Santa is awesome with that peppermint sword, and Rudy, well, he’s pretty amazing with that rack of his. Kristina never did recover from the shock. But me, I’m happy. I wanted to get out of that workshop, and I did, even if it’s not like I planned. I mean, sewers? Really? OK, OK.
So I’m prepping right now for the membership exam. I’ve had to do a couple of things. I’ve got a good sponsor. Well, I wanted Faelina, because she’s hot, but I’m with Sige instead. That’s OK. He’s a good sponsor. I’ve had to lead some sewer patrols on my own to prove I’ve got the leadership chops. And I’m studying for some kind of oral examination that Niamh gives to prove that I know the bylaws and charter. I’m taking that after breakfast.
Then the biggest deal will be the Council interview tonight. I’ll have to stand up in front of everyone and answer questions about what I’ve done with the Guild so far, and I guess what I want to do in the future. How I’ll contribute, you know? I have to admit my attitude when we first got here wasn’t what Santa would call “optimal,” but you know what? I qualified to become a member way ahead of him, so I’d say that maybe he’s the one who’s not optimal. <ouch!> Look Rudy, keep your hooves to yourself, willya?
Anyway, when Kristina died, I realized I was wasting my chance at a new life, and I straightened up. I stopped lying in bed all day and started asking Niamh to schedule me. She gave me the side eye. I’d no-showed a bunch of times, which had wrecked her precious schedule. But I was good to my word. Once I decided that I was ready, it was go time. I’ve never missed a day since, and I think I’m tight with Niamh again. Wish me luck and cookies. Today is a big day for me.
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[disclaimer: The Silver Spire Guild is a homebrew solo TTRPG that exists only in my head… and now in yours.]
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